Instincts

Last week I awoke in the middle of the night (not unusual at my age). But this time I had in my head with zero uncertainty that I needed to make arrangements for my mom’s … what? I hesitate. Demise, death, funeral, cremation, whatever that entails includes means. I don’t know if it was part of a dream or a worry suppressed. All I knew is that something or someone was admonishing me for not having attended to or even considered it already.

My mind was telling me that I had thought to do this for my grandmother when we knew her death was imminent. I also knew then that I would likely be out of town as I was visiting her in Florida. And I knew that she had told me exactly what she wanted and how everything should proceed. As we left the hospital, I spoke with my uncle and requested that we immediately find a local funeral home. Which we did. She passed away within the week. It was a Saturday morning. I awoke and sat straight up in bed and announced that my grandmother had just died. She had come to me. Just like my grandfather had when I was 6 years old. I felt their presence and passing. A few minutes later the phone rang. I told them I already knew. She was at peace. And I knew she would join the others who watched over, looked out for me.

And now that spring break is almost upon us and I am fortunate enough to have separate adventures planned with each of the girls. Now that their schedules do not overlap, and I know that packing will need to commence at some point. Probably the night before. Maybe it’s my sub-conscious prying open, apart all of those pieces that remain on hold until you push them to the top of the urgent pile. Knowing you want everything settled as much as possible before you depart. Knowing you do not want this burden to fall to others. Knowing that you must take heed of the dream or the voice or the spirit that has guided you to this realization urgent need must do priority item. Laundry can wait.

So I called the local funeral home. The conversation was pleasant enough and a meeting was arranged. But then she asked if I had a sibling.

(Technically I have a genetic sibling. I have not seen or heard from in 10 years. Which is just fine with me. That is an even longer story. And not good in any way. Mom completely wrote him out of the will. Zero contact is perfect.)

She informed me that all children have to agree to the “disposition” of the body unless it is clearly specified in the will. It is the law. My mind raced plunged fell into the abyss of the details of her will. It went completely blank. Suddenly I was alarmed panicked that I was going to have to find him seek him out. Not only do I not know. I do not wish to know. As soon as the call was completed, I raced to the safe and pulled out the ginormous stack of my mother’s legal papers. I knew, know that I have power of attorney and I am the executor and J.P. is the backup for everything. I have had to share multiple copies of reams of legal documentation to admit her, pay her bills, monitor her treatment, put her beach house up for sale. Why could I not remember anything specific about her desire to be cremated.

(I knew she had initially drafted a section whereby she wanted her cremains placed at the same location as those of my father, grandmother and great aunt. We no longer own that property. I had to break it to her that she could not specify that in her will. But I could not recall what she could or had specified.)

Let it be known that all of this can and should be clarified in your will and also in any advance directives. And bless all that be in this world for there, in legalese, was specified that she should be cremated and that I should be the only one responsible, with J.P. as my backup, for making any and all decisions. In both her will and directives. I almost cried.

In the land and world when you have to face so many challenges and overcome roadblocks and obstacles to seeking obtaining receiving appropriate care. When you have to prove a million times over that you have power of attorney so that you have the privilege (not) of paying for all of the bills, making all medical decisions, doing taxes, assessing that the property loved and adored for 20 years must be fixed restored improved so that you can sell it because there are not enough funds to cover the remaining mortgage and the monthly care. And you choose to cover the inordinate expenditures that come with memory care. Because you know. That is the only right choice to make.

And to think that after all of this. When you are trying to do the right thing so that family is not imposed upon should the end come while you are adventuring relaxing laughing loving. That I might have had to include acknowledge entertain the slightest possibility of reaching out reconnecting to evil. Absolute relief. And yes, I quickly made copies of all necessary legal documents to leave with the funeral home.

Not only have I learned to listen pay attention always be responsive to my instincts. Just like our smartest fur babies. Always. I have also learned to be sure positive that all legal documents are detailed signed inclusive of any all possible scenarios. Because you know that as soon as I was done looking at my mom’s stuff, I reviewed ours as well. Multiple sighs of relief.

(Instintcs could be whispers from those that have moved on but remain to look out watch over me and my tribe. Whatever way you choose to perceive, consider them. Accept them for the gifts and pearls of wisdom that they are. No one in the history of the world ever regretted following their instincts. Regrets only for trying to shut them out or recontextualize them so the threat does not appear to be real or substantive.)

Love is about teaching guiding the next generation to listen to and follow their instincts. To prevent and protect. It is also about doing all of the hard stuff. The planning and processing of all the paperwork so that everyone is empowered and protected as much as humanly possible. Prepare for the worse so that you and yours may live and enjoy the best.

(And get thee to a lawyer as soon as humanly possible. Your instincts are making a special request.)