Mom refresh

My youngest, Ella, has been sick the past two weeks and today is her first full day back to school (ok, she only made it ½ day but it seemed promising this morning). She had the flu, a sinus infection and then walking pneumonia. The child has been on multiple meds after quite a few doctor visits and all of this took a toll on her body and spirit. She has been anxious to return but gradually, to rebuild her stamina and prevent a relapse.

I love being a mom. (And now here comes a qualifying remark) Mothering during illness is not the highlight. When they are little, you are usually the recipient of more cuddles. But ill children at any age yield worry, concern, a lack of time in your own brain to have complete finish a thought, on call always weary tired. And as they get older, there is also worry anxiety about missing out having to make up getting lost behind on responsibilities obligations life. And they may not choose desire adore the thought of being held close snuggling.

And now that Ella has recovered more is feeling better has some color coming back into her cheeks. Now that J.P. only has a couple more days of travel. And Macy is knocking off mid term exams. Now that I have done some laundry collected my sunglasses and passport. And Ella and J.P. are more than looking forward to enjoying their time without me in the house (they say they will miss me but…)

(I envision J.P. baking making goodies and some special fun activities. But also Ella will start her new job on Saturday and J.P. will stop by and see my mom. And there will be work and school and loving caring for dogs and cats. And great talks and laughter and love. I am relieved of worry concern impact of my absence)

Now that I have most of my to do list checked off and as much progress as can has been made on the sale of my mom’s beach house which will bring financial relief. And Honey is doing well on her huge supply of meds (I still need to type up those directions…)

Now I can start to envision imagine all of the planning and arranging and sorting of details made months ago for my special adventure trip with my oldest, Macy.

Macy has done so well her freshman year of college and has great friends and fun and studying and exercise and dance and a full life at 18. She does not miss living out of her room just down the hallway (it is so clean now). She calls every few days or so. There is no set schedule. Loves to face time to talk to her Nala dog and see Honey smile. She laughs seeing the multitude of her favorite furries. She shares stories of what and how she is doing proceeding progressing in life.

And for some amazing wonderful reason, she wanted, chose, to spend spring break with me. Desired an adventure with mom (J.P. and Ella would have been welcome but work and school cannot allow) so she must settle.

And I begin to smile thinking of how horrendous it may be to share a bed with my constantly thrashing sometimes screaming out loud so you think she is being kidnapped in her sleep first baby.

(I remember holding her after birth. Just the two of us. Feeling the spirits of our ancestors surrounding us and enclosing her in their circle of protection and love. Overwhelmed with love and tears and emotions and hormones. Connected always)

I imagine her laughter and eye rolling as we are transported via a long car ride after longer flights to the jungle of Belize. Her exhausted but inspired sighs. As we hike through Mayan ruins in Guatemala, cave zip line, travel to the coast and snorkel and dive. As she orders drinks made with rum or spirits of crazy because she is of legal drinking age in this country and it’s hot and why not.

My heart opens to stories and shared looks and whispered thoughts. And stealing a hug while she sleeps. Staring at her beauty and soaking in her presence.

(that I have been missing but oh so quietly for I do not wish to contaminate the joy of her new adventure with the wistfulness of my separation)

And whispering declaring my love and admiration and pride in her. In her work and accomplishments and adulting. And so grateful that she chooses to share some of that with me with us. We are part of something bigger now. This wonderful family. That now feels complete. With love and respect and kindness and opening up and sharing thoughts and dreams and hopes and fears and failures. All of it.

Parenting has become a partnership. A team effort. I am no longer on an island of one trying to figure out reacting carrying the load responding anticipating providing for any all needs. Now there is another who shares joys and sorrows and fellowship. We discuss support prop up assist help each other. There is no autocrat dictatorship emptiness condescending power grab isolation dismissal. There is love. And family and respect and inclusion and kindness.

(And someday, when others have grown and become independent. When they are no longer heavily influenced swayed separated. When maturity and personal experience have enabled enlightened paved the way for them to see a different perspective take point of view. When their hearts expand and open to other possibilities. Then perhaps they will choose to walk beside us and we can expand our circle of love and trust. Life can be difficult. And people may choose to carry anger or kindness. May they choose kindness and inclusion. For that is our choice. Always)

And while I so greatly look forward to my mom refresh and adventure with Macy. I will also be happy to wrap my arms around my spouse and youngest when I return. And I will forever be grateful that Macy and Ella now have a wonderful beautiful lovely example role model of what makes love relationships partnering solidly steadfastly trustingly (com)passionately good.

(No fear or worry or shame or blame. No physical or emotional abuse of any kind. No yelling screaming belittling anguish or horror)

Truly only solely love in any and every language.

(Photo of Ella & J.P. at her new job at Face It! Spa and Wellness)