Be the sky

The daily frustrations of life can be mind numbing. And when tax season coincides with winter blues…ugh. After a long winter and thousands of dollars spent on repairing and renovating my mom’s beach house, it was posted. We received two full price offers within 12 hours. And we happily signed off on the strongest contender. So we are now in full swing mode of collecting documents, contracts etc… We also have several piles of categorical expenses and bills and blah- all documenting the assets and costs associated with my mom’s current situation.

As we combed through files and emails and papers and made calls to request copies of missing items, I could not help but feel overwhelmed once again by the mountain of crap my mother has left behind. I often feel set up. And while I realize that some decisions were made during the dementia period, I also believe she thought I would just figure it out. I cannot emphasize enough how unequivocally wrong it is to leave burdens behind for your children to manage. I feel like we have wasted hours and days and more of our lives managing, handling, investigating, sorting piles of a life in flux. I honestly believe no one has a clue as to exactly how challenging it is to manage someone else’s stuff, affairs, bills. Even having institutions and businesses acknowledge your Power of Attorney, can take multiple calls, emails, visits and threats concerning legal action (oh yes, and the cost of consulting those attorneys).

And somehow, I feel as if I am still supposed to be compassionate. At some point after enduring another marathon session of admin duties- for which I receive zero compensation (everything goes to the grandchildren, so I will benefit by proxy of my children benefitting)- I cannot help but release tears.

(I really want to scream. I feel so much anger sometimes. About what she left for me to clean up. About the hoarding of stuff that we have had to sort for donation. About the apparent utter disregard for my time and energy. About the impact on my family. About the situation we are now in where I am distracted by all of this and do not have time or energy to fully love or grieve her.)

Other life stuff has also gone into full on crazy mode and we are trying to figure out how to not let other people’s shit negatively affect our lives. That can be rather difficult.

But someone shared a wonderful quote with me last night from Pema Chodron: “You are the sky. Everything else- it’s just the weather.” Think about it. You are this amazing beautiful blue expanse. And all of this stuff and clutter and garbage. All of it. Clouds, rain, sleet, whatever. Each takes their turn. But they will pass. They are not a part of who you are, what makes you special and unique and wonderful. They leave marks and stains and some nourish while others leave a path of destruction on the ground. But you are the sky.

I am hoping to feel a bit more sky-like in the future. More ethereal and zen. More capable of hanging back and watching from a distance those things that I cannot change. More aware of nurturing my own space and waiting for the clouds to pass. Some may even take on interesting shapes.