But hope…

Last week I was certain we would soon be euthanizing our dog Honey. She is probably closing in on 14 years but we have only had her for the past 3 ½ so no one truly knows. She had such a horrendous weekend last week and I embraced the fact that while we cannot help my mother end her life, we can help our furry friends to minimize their suffering.

Our favorite vet (Lisa) discovered that Honey had ridiculously high off the charts blood pressure on Thursday. Honey was immediately put on medication. We spent most of Friday at another vet so Honey could get scans and more blood tests. (It is very difficult to bring your older anxious dog to a place to get testing. She was trying to figure out her escape the moment we arrived.)

Honey does not have any obvious signs of cancer. She may have Cushing’s disease as she has an enlarged adrenal gland. But all I know is that a combination of blood pressure meds, anti-anxiety meds, melatonin in the evenings, and CBD chews twice a day, have made our sweet old gal into a fabulous feeling happy beast once again. (And if both of your parents happen to give you a dose of your CBD chews in the morning such that you get a double dose, you may feel a bit more sleepy, more chill, and perhaps more seeking of snacks later in the day.) But all is good and well once again and my girl is feeling her old self or at least a pretty good version. She is happy and her spirit makes me smile.

And then my mom… we received this lovely picture from the staff on Friday. I imagine they told her a funny story or made a joke of some kind (they are super awesome about that) and my mom smiled. This picture is the absolute best(est) one in quite some time.

(What you may not immediately notice is the handle of the wheelchair in the background indicating that she had been switched from using her walker because she was having a difficult time. With the closing and clenching of her left hand, her options have become more limited. J.P. brought her a chocolate milkshake yesterday and stayed with her so he could hold it while she enjoyed it. She is no longer able to hold it herself.)

I find myself feeling lighter as a result of writing.

(It is strange and terrifying to share thoughts that one has only shared in hushed whispers in the middle of the night or in shaking sobs while being held. Only with your significant other partner best friend. Only in secret. Because if others knew how you truly felt they may pull away. So you have them read your drafts before you find enough courage to hit the publish button. You tell yourself that if you help only one other person find comfort in relating understanding sympathizing compassion, that is enough. But truly, processing and purging are helping you, the writer. You may never need to share ever but getting the words and thoughts out of your head and body, making them real, allowing them an escape, the mental release. It is mental vomiting. The worst part of being sick is the anticipation that you know you will be sick. The purging is painful and leaves you feeling weak. But the aftermath is a welcome respite. You always feel better after the source of the illness is removed. And although weaker physically, you know that with rest and nourishment- the proper kind when you are ready- you will regain restore rebuild and be stronger.)

Nothing and everything are normal. And all is fluid. It is vital essential important affirming to release yourself from whatever demons haunt you. To express it in some way that is healthy. To relieve one’s self of the burden of illness. To leave those behind outside of your body in a place where you can move on and heal. To free up space in your mind and soul so that you may fill these with love and happiness and health. To live.

I was raised to build and maintain a façade of happiness to hide any and all problems. And to understand that I was responsible for and the root of, these problems. But I have changed grown evolved. I am learning from the next generation to be more mindful caring of myself. To give myself time and freedom and space to adjust adapt create a world that works for me.

And to find share create joy. To look for humor and connections and happy in yourself and others. To escape when necessary. To regroup when needed. To reach out when able. To not only practice audition rehearse living. To feel, be alive in every moment and gust of wind rainstorm hurricane. And to be patient. For the sun will shine. Someday. One day. Enjoy every day. Being the best you.

(Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journeys with me as you read these posts. Sharing your personal experiences and seeing similar feelings reflected back, inspires and heals. And it is nice knowing my words have places to land.)