Keeping score

I was at the gym yesterday chatting with my favorite bestie trainer Tony. He is significantly younger than me. A fact that occasionally comes up when discussing our physical pursuits. He is also the source of tremendous support and encouragement (which allows me to forgive his youth).

He asked how my knees felt while running. How my body was responding. I was sadly able to convey that my knees are fairly accurate in their assessment of reaching the 2-mile mark. They do not hurt but they feel the pounding of the pavement. It doesn’t stop me but rather shifts me into a slower gear so that I may continue on. I need the time for breathing thinking processing healing. The pace is not my goal. Instead the process is my focus need strategy.

(Although I still do track the pace because I am familiar knowledgeable comfortable with keeping score even if the targets change. And Tony, by the way, may post marathon length runs which are fantastic and inspiring, if no longer achievable by me)

I talked about how in former days I would try to keep going through injuries and pain. After experiencing my share of these episodes and finally coming to evolving recognizing realization. That continuing to push through injurious pain. Is not helpful beneficial conducive to any positive outcome. That healing is required. Before moving on. Prior to additional growth. Stillness in healing. Healing itself. And then growth.

Which means streamlining cutting out reducing the burdens that cause inflammation. Exiting from extracurriculars commitments add-ons that take away from the need to focus on work on prioritize healing. Reduce the energy I need to focus.

(I had become so accustomed to drowning out my personal discomfort anguish that I would hide in cover up overwhelm myself with other things goals efforts. I smothered worry grief suffering with commendable tasks volunteer projects attempting to help alleviate the pain burden of others)

But now that I am getting older wiser perhaps a bit more insightful. Now that I know how to differentiate injurious pain from growth pain. Now that I am more familiar with myself my reactions my needs my physical and emotional limits. I am learning to say no.

I am adjusting growing into putting myself closer to the top of the list. Streamlining when there is too much uncertainty. Life brings variation each day. Some is welcome. More not. But hopefully limited to this moment. This period of time.

The need to replenish nourish escape. To prioritize relationships. To heal.

It is extraordinarily exceptionally difficult to say no to the needs of others knowing their predicaments circumstances situations burdens. Some may keep score of your yes’s and no’s.

But sometimes, we need to step away. Step towards ourselves. Take a break. Take a breath.

Sometimes, we need to pay closer attention to the voice of our knees. And not worry ourselves with anyone else’s scorecard goal keeping schedule. Not anguish over another’s sorrow. Not pick up additional excessive burdens. Find pride in past accomplishments and endeavors and free yourself from the need to imitate replicate initiate a new world record.

Sometimes we need to recognize that we are at our limit by carrying our own weight. And we need to keep walking moving forward.

Hopefully others will rise up to fill in gaps while we need to step away. And perhaps some will learn to care for, fend for themselves. Make better decisions. Take responsibility. Own their decisions both successes and failures.

For we each have only our own legs to rest upon and our own arms to hold those we love.

What would the world be like, your world, my world, if we took a moment to breathe and stopped keeping score.

(What if we let go? I promise… the boulder is not going anywhere)