Shifting priorities
As we take a collective national pause to reflect on what we need to do, how we need to adjust adapt to a different way of life, what kind of people we wish to be and what type of behavior we wish to model for our families and friends, we may feel tremendous loss sadness anxiety frustration fear. For we do not know what we do not know.
I look at my oldest. My last day of maternity leave at home with her was 9/11/2001. I sat that day in a cloud of tears, flood of emotions, unbelievable fear and sadness. I was so very traumatized that I had to leave my child the next day to drive into Baltimore and continue my work in international public health. I had planned to bring her with me to Thailand where I was working on a project for cervical cancer prevention. Suddenly, I knew I could no longer bring her with me as I was beyond fearful for her safety, the safety of our country and the world.
We got through it. Although our world was changed forever. I am reminded of that time during this period of uncertainty.
The potential loss of life is of such a tremendous scale as to be unimaginable. I need to log that truth in the back of my mind. In a file drawer that I keep mostly closed.
What do I need to do. Now that I have older kids. High school sophomore and college freshman. The older was extracted unceremoniously from her university on Saturday. We made the critical decision in a flash on Friday morning and J.P. was on the road within the hour.
That same morning I visited my mom prior to their shutting down out all family members and visitors. They need to keep people safe. I understand. Not sure my mom does. But she will be ok. The staff are tremendous.
I brought her a chocolate milkshake and clipped and filed her fingernails as best as possible. As her hands reside in a permanent clutch, it is essential to try to keep these as tidy as possible to avoid infection. Nail care is not something that staff are permitted to do.
I spoke with her as I know J.P. had also spoken to her while visiting her and feeding her lunch the day before. We gently told her that there was a virus going around and to protect everyone, we would not be able to visit for a while. We can face time but I think that is confusing for her. We will email pictures they can show her as that seems better. More digestible.
She has become more spacey. Much less focused. It is harder to find those places of connection. J.P. and I have both taken notice. Enough times in the past two weeks. At different times of day. To believe this is a new stage. But perhaps this will make things easier if she is less connected. Less in tune with reality. More at ease with quiet and stillness. More at ease.
In the middle of generations struggling to make sense of things. At this time. For this moment. I worry more about the kids and young adults.
It was hard difficult true parenting undesired. To make insist decide that we would be fully participating in the quarantine shut down. To halt cease stop all direct social interaction is not easy for anyone.
We have fought to limit minimize the use of cell phones technology screen time. But now we are grateful that they can use these devices to stay in touch. Feel some sense of normal. Mourn for their loss of typical college life friends dorms parties adulting. Mourn for the lack of touch laughter joy real-time connections.
We, each of us, has a choice to make. What part role are we going to play. Will we be part of the solution resolution. What will our contribution be.
I was not popular these past few days. I was parenting. And with every fiber of my being, I followed my gut instincts as a mom. As a daughter. As a member of a global community with vulnerable populations.
And while I am sad for the changes shifts adaptations and losses in the lives of my children and their friends. While I am sad that I am not currently traveling in Paris as we had planned for months. While I am sad for the cancellations and lack of normalcy.
I would be so very much more devastated. To be part of a cycle or chain or events that results in death. That culminates in an increased loss of life. And that is what we must convey to our children. To future generations.
It is not. Can not be. About each of us as individuals. It must be about all of us. Collectively. Community. Coalition of shared lives experiences responsibility.
We must each own take hold respect our individual responsibility. To not bring cause affect damage pain destruction devastation death for others.
But also recognize that doing the right thing. Is hard. And we need to allow space for mourning. For feeling initially selfish and wronged. For space allows growth. And with good and patient modeling. With understanding logic and reason. They will make the right decision.
(Photo in Macy’s dorm room this past Saturday, hugging out a tearful goodbye)