Testifying
(The following words were written on 3/19/21. I have been dealing fighting researching the apparent chronic fatigue brought on by having Covid in January and on this date, I thought I had finally beaten it. Brain fog, nausea, dizziness, being completely useless if/ when I do anything more than a walk. Has left me struggling to perform at my usual familiar capacity. I was feeling pretty amazing when I wrote the words below but then too exhausted subsequently to review and post. Last night a friend texted asking why I had not been writing. Not for lack of desire or interest but simply because it uses up so much energy. My friends with POTS or with family members with POTS have been the most incredible useful helpful sources of info. One particularly bad day last week was perhaps the result of not following a low histamine diet. I had never heard of such a thing. But when Courtney sent me the info, it pretty much covered all I had eaten the night before which funny enough is great for the Mediterranean diet. So I tossed my feta and am keeping anchovies at bay. And Katie has me taking all sorts of supplements. I have also noticed any all adrenaline rushes such as throwing mattress and boxspring off the bed to grab the cat for the vet are followed by more intense struggles exhaustion. I have now had the first vaccine and am feeling less brain fog. Personal accounts from a random small segment of the population of long haul sufferers have detailed the lessening and even disappearance of long covid symptoms among about 40% of those suffering who report such outcomes. And I am grateful to all those who send me papers articles on this info.
I have relied depended so very heavily on J.P. these last few months and am beyond frustrated that I cannot do the things I like or take care of my family the way I wish. I have not had the energy to reach out to friends. The pics of the dogs following me everywhere are not just because they like to be with me. They have been extra worried and cautious and stay close especially when I am struggling the most.
Yesterday I had a piece of glass over 1 cm removed from the tip of my finger. Got it while cleaning out the car in September. When asked why it took me so long. I had hoped it would come out or dissolve. Did not know what it was and we could not see anything. Told them my mom was in hospice so it just did not rise to any level of importance.
And yet. I still am grateful each and every day. That it could be worse. That I have such wonderful family members. That spring is here and things are beginning to bloom. Thanks for sticking with me and I hope all of you are well.)
My favorite show is “Finding your Roots” with Henry Louis Gates. I am constantly always amazed (and often brought to tears) for the history pain suffering resilience that binds connects all in this existential universal quilt of humanity.
During a recent incredibly emotional episode with Pharrell Williams, Dr Gates spoke one of the most prophetic heart seeking compassionate phrases…
“Testifying is a way of not allowing your soul to be crushed.”
Let that sit with you for a moment or several.
Testifying. Clarifying. Undenying.
Justify identify specify
Speaking voicing sharing your truth
Empowers strengthens bonds
Helps us feel connected noticed authenticated seen heard
To be human
To be a notable stand out part of that quilt
To speak our pain struggles confusion obstacles challenges
Is. Ultimately. To beautify
Testifying (when listened to, heard, worked through, understood, embraced even in all its subsequent pain guilt ownership of responsibility privilege) is (can be if approached ethically responsibly from a place of humility and grace) beautifying
Now. Since at the time I watched the episode. I was in the midst darkness of my post Covid fatigue fog fuzzy brain. One of the scariest experiences. To know feel you’re brain not functioning correctly (is this what dementia feels like? Worse than the loss of physical strength stamina ability)
So I rewound this part. Wrote down the words. Feeling they were out of my grasp reach. For that moment. And several to follow. But knowing sensing believing. That these words carry so very much. For all of us.
And when one testifies. There are ways rules of responding approaches. That can provide support hug safe spaces compassion.
(Responding to negate vilify distract from the testimony. Strikes down the very power ability capacity to beautify. Rather harm damage ridiculous self indulgence among those who cannot listen comprehend take a deep breath and try to imagine for just one second what it might possibly be like to walk live breathe die in another’s shoes path situation. Instead the narcissism which erupts explodes vomits out that something anything is not specifically exactly one hundred percent about them How wonderful and maligned they must be)
You know they say that a person is most vulnerable when they decide to leave their abuser. When they have finally reached a point of no return. When they find themselves mustering all the courage of their soul to say no.
And yet. When a person chooses to whisper yell pack bags attempt to quietly withdraw leave. This. This moment. Is when most. Friends families. Pull away vanish. Critique and criticize the no (they do not know understand acknowledge value the experience trauma suffering that could no longer say yes. Their unreality is more important)
Think about that.
They choose unrealness. The comfort zone. Being made to feel. Discomfort. Would require introspection education self awareness ownership responsibility forgiveness.
Question the validity reality. Why not just comply. The bubble of falsify must be popped.
Because. To live in this situation context abuser. To continue to be silent absorb inhale surround.
Is to be crushed. To be stomped on. Stomped out. Suffocated.
To have a knee placed on a neck.
To be denied breath. Life.
Voicing our truths. Actively listening engaging educating advocating participating. In ending abuse. Of all kinds.
Giving oxygen to others so that they have space to breathe.
Do not deny other’s lives experiences lives.
Be an ally.
To beautify.
Two plus months after having a mild case of Covid, I am finally starting to feel myself again. Vitamin D movement and patience. I had to learn how to listen to my body in an entirely different way. I read someone somewhere described it as an energy envelope. You do not know when or how it will be used up. But once it is gone it is completely knocked on your ass gone.
The past 6 months have been so very much. Losing my mom, a close friend, our old dog. Covid. It is enough. But always acknowledging knowing it could be worse. Grateful for all that is good in our lives.
The hardest most terrifying part has been the brain fog. I struggled to explain detail all that I felt. To my family. My doctor. Given all that I had been through people suggested depression. Which I completely totally understand. But I had to fight argue continue to say. That this was something else more different. Blood tests vitamins other doctors still to be seen. There is something off.
And trying to get through daily life.
This. Made me insisted forced me. To say no. To things I have loved to do help support.
But. I could not.
(And I have fallen in love with the concept of saying no so you can say yes to yourself. I truly had no choice. But to say no. If I was to find a path towards healing. From Covid loss my own fears of dementia. And I had to say no to negativity and unrealness)
I struggled to get through. J.P. picked up so much of the slack. Our pack of dogs watched over me. Sticking by my side. Underfoot. Sensing the shifts in my equilibrium.
And. Healthy foods. Fruits & veggies. Have wreaked havoc on my body. The very nourishment that we seek. Left me in worse condition (still I try but only a few days at a time. I stop when the nausea wakes me up in the middle of the night)
Flow yoga meditation walking. J.P. held my hand for most of my first walk. He steadied me. Each time I wait. To see if I pushed it too far. If when I can will stop regressing.
But my mind. I tried jogging outside by myself twice this week. Would go for 1 1/2 miles and then walk to catch my breath assess. And then 1/2 mile and repeat. So that I completed 3 miles in total each time. Slowly.
But. The best part. Was my mind flowing weighing considering. These words from Dr Gates. Testifying. About so much more than any one person. And so important essential.
Contemplating while jogging. My place privilege responsibility in the universe. I look forward to getting stronger and being an active helpful ally participant. In piecing and stitching the quilt.
(Pic of Cooper in my office. He is always near)